Tara and Brian were here Friday night passing through on their way home from KC. It ruled. We went to dinner and they showed us how to play shit on the Wii haha. But what is more awesome is that THEY ARE GOING TO CHICAGO WITH US FOR NEW YEARS EVE/NEW YEARS DAY. Ummm hello most fun and awesome new years ever. Spending it with people that are awesome and that I love. Not much could make it better [unless my sister was there].

The school semester is officially over, I did alright. Better than I thought in some areas and not as well as I wanted in others. Next semester will be better.

Tuesday is my 27th birthday. I can't believe I'm going to be 27. It just feels weird I guess. 26 wasn't a big deal [except that I got engaged haha] but I think since 27-29 is considered "late 20's" i'm feeling old.

I am stoked for the show on NYE and also stoked on just chillin in Chicago.

2008 went by so fast and that makes me wonder just how fast 2009 will go. Hopefully 2009 is better than 2008 ALTHOUGH I really shoudnt complain. considering previous years, 2008 was really pretty good despite some of the financial hardships with getting laid off of a job and having a hard time finding another one. But I'm ending the year with a job so that's what matters.

oh yeah, we got approved for a new place so we're going to be moving in there in February. THANK GOD. This place is a fucking shithole with loudass neighbors.


it's been some time

i havent updated this blog in a while, but then again i havent updated any sort of online blogging/journaling thing in some time. im not sure if its just that i dont have much to say, or that i dont know how to say it.

im going to go with the second one because i do have a lot to say. i dont know, i guess it's kind of weird. i feel slightly isolated but there really isnt much reason to. i think i just have a lot on my mind and cant seem to form them into real thoughts that would make sense to the outside world haha.

so Todd and i are definitely going to Chicago for new years. I am very much looking forward to that. We'll only be there for about 36 hours but that's fine. We leave at like 6am or something on 12/31 and then leave at like 11:55 on 01/01. We'll go to the show, sleep in the hotel, and then spend all of new years day just roaming around. I do know we're going ice skating though, which will be hilarious since neither of us have actually done that before.

Our wedding is 93 days away. Uhh wow. There is a lot to do still and maybe after next week when finals are over and the semester is over i'll be able to do some cram planning. Eh, we'll see.

One thing i hate about the winter time is that my hair gets REALLY static-y [not a word i dont think]. I know it's from jackets and sweaters but it's annoying. Now that my hair is so long I'm actually feeling it.

I'll try and update this more often. Who knows what will happen though haha.


Chicago for New Years? I think so. The Methadones, The Lawrence Arms, The Copyrights plus the whole holiday feel, and a nice hotel downtown in the cold. I always end up drunk when I go to Chicago so I think this would be very appropriate haha - thankfully I have Todd to make sure I get around safely.

Saw Henry Rollins on the 6th of this month and it was great as usual. I had an annoying ass girl next to me who was so hammered that she kept yelling "SHUT UP" [not in the mean way but in the "omg are you serious?" way] and getting up to get more drinks. Finally her boyfriend said "if you get up, dont come back" haha.

I have buried the hatchet with someone from my past. It actually feels really good not to hold on to negative feelings anymore.

There's really nothing else to say right now except that I'm busy with school [thank god the semester is almost over] and working.

Oh and I picked up my wedding planning again. HA. I went on a hiatus for months and months but now that there are only like 115 days left I figured I better figure some shit out quickly.


it's kind of annoying

Just because I don't want kids does not mean I won't have a "family" of my own. Once Todd and I get married we'll be our own family and may or maynot add pets to the mix. Children to not make a family. Remember that people. Just like only a man and a woman do not make a family. I would consider two men in a serious, longterm relationship a family of their own, as well as two women in the same situation whether or not either couple has kids.

A family is not JUST a man and a woman with their kids. The definition of family is:


a. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.
b. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.

so even though a man and a woman and kids are considered a family, there are another definitions of the word family and I think people need to realize that.


too tired to write details

which sucks because i doubt i'll come back to it haha.

basically though, i had one of the best weekends ever.

Friday Alyssa & Shawn came in, Stephen came in, and Tara & Brian came in. We went to the city museum and acted like children [some more than others haha]. Saturday we went to Blueberry Hill for lunch and walked around the Loop before going up to the arena for the hockey game. Obama was here on Saturday too and though I would have loved to go, I figured it would be best not to since I had a house full of guests and the crowd downtown was ridiculous [see below].

The game was INCREDIBLE. The suite was fantastic, everyone got along and seemed to have a great time. The game was very exciting and there was a fight in the stands right below our suite which added to the atmosphere. I definitely drank wayyy more than usual and there were some HILARIOUS moments - but overall it was just so awesome. Here is a picture after the game that the food/beverage lady took for us haha. There are about 4 or 5 drunkards in the picture. This was before the beer fiasco before the elevator, which i may or may not write about later.
After the game we went to the casino where I played a little but not much and Alyssa spilled coffee on her pants, Shawn won some money, Stephen lost some money and Brian hit a wrong button on a slot machine haha.

Stephen left really early on Sunday and Tara and Brian left in the afternoon. The rest of the night was just spent relaxing for the most part with Alyssa and Shawn. Went and saw a horrible movie in the theater and then watched the Tampa/Boston game that we dvr'd.

There really is so much more that I'm not writing about and leaving out a lot of details but that's alright. All that matters is that the weekend was one of the best I've had in a very long time.

Here's a quote about the Obama rally here.
"Barack Obama attracted 100,000 people at a Saturday rally here, his biggest crowd ever at a U.S. event."

Thats pretty crazy if you ask me. Here is a slideshow from it [obviously not mine]:

I sure do miss living downtown. I say it all the time, but it would have been fucking incredible to see the sea of people from our old living room.


before sleep

I got an email today confirming my travel arrangements for my new job. I'm pretty damn excited to see how it goes. I'll be leaving Sunday the 26th and coming back late Tuesday night and going into the local office on Wednesday. It's crazy how you apply for jobs and it seems like nothing comes your way, and then once someone is really interested in you EVERYONE decides they want to hire you. Oh well, it's a great job, good pay, and works well with my school schedule.

They're putting me up in a hotel about 5 miles from the corporate office in Illinois which happens to be really close to where Todd's mom lives, so I'm going to probably email her and see if she wants to grab dinner the Sunday night I get into town.

so since today is technically Thursday - I GET TO SEE EVERYONE TOMORROW! I can't express how happy and excited I am to be around so many incredible people that I love. It is muuuuch needed.

I have a final tomorrow in one of my classes that's only 8 weeks and not a full term class. Im not even concerned about that class because I know I got an A and I know I'll do fine on the final. The tests I took on Monday in one class and today in another I'm not feeling as confident about, but I wont find out what those are until next week.

I'm feeling good about where I'm heading even though things have been a little crazy. By a little, I mean a lot haha. But hey, Todd helped me keep my head above water and now all will be well.


it's that time of year

Midterms are this week..... ieee

The Blues home opener was Friday night. It ruled as expected. Last year's opener was awesome, this year's opener was awesome... I think openers are just really awesome because it's that whole "ITS TIME" when you know that you're going to be spending many nights watching hockey either at home or at the arena. It's awesome. It also is a reminder that winter is around the corner which is always exciting. I am excited for this year. I imagine we'll still be ehhh but I think watching the young talent will bring some energy.

so technically today is sunday which means, not including today, in 5 days....


so them plus 4 St. Louis people will be attending the Blues/Blackhawks game on Saturday in one of the penthouse suites. I've never seen a game from that high up, though I guess it's not really that much higher than the top of the 300 sections. I keep worrying that since it will be Alyssa, Shawn, Tara & Brian's first actual hockey game that they wont get to really experience it from that high, but the more I think about it the more I think it'll be ok. Either way, the weekend is going to be a blast and I'm so excited to see my sister and my friends and of course Todd is excited to see everyone too.

If we could have gotten Summer up here our entire wedding party would be here haha. Since my side is Alyssa & Summer and Todd's side is Tara & Shawn we could have done some wedding discussion, though i'm sure something will come up anyway.

I think we might hit up the casino after the game, and I know that we're for sure going to the city museum while everyone is here... I'm thinking Friday night.


oh and on a really interesting note - I am SO excited for the Christmas season this year. Anyone who knows me knows how crazy that is because I normally HATE Christmas with a passion because it's always been the most depressing time of the year. But nah not anymore.


my PSA

I don't really care how this sounds but if there is one thing I know, it's that everyone in this world should have a Todd in their life.

Not someone with the name, but someone who is the kind of person he is.

He make's everything ok. No matter how crazy, small, big, important, or silly it is he always, always makes it alright.

If you dont have one of him in your life, find one.



i took off work monday because i have an interview for a really really incredible job. i had a phone interview on friday and i have a lunch interview with the President/CEO on Monday. i am crossing my fingers.

On that note I went out and bought a really cute womens dress suit that i of course dont really like on me, but Todd said it looks really good and that I look very nice and professional in it haha.

The best part of it is that I bought the pants, the jacket and the baby blue camisole for $32.00 hahaha. I somehow talked the girl into giving me a 50% off coupon on top of 40% that was already taken off from a sale. So my total was $96.76 and I paid $32.15. Sweet fucking deal.

Today I spent doing homework and bargain shopping for a new outfit. For the most part they both were a success whether or not i REALLY see that it was.

I also had over an hour long conversation with my dad which is the second time that's happened this week. My dad=the best dad in the world.


from bored to busy

yay for a fulltime job.

ok so they say that for every hour you spend in class you should spend 2 hours outside of class studying. LOL If I did that - between work, class, studying and sleeping [8 hours a night] that leaves me with 27 hours per week for whatever else, which is actually more like 15 hours a week if i add in travel time to and from work/school. Luckily my PT job is actually on campus so the only travel time that makes is how long it takes me to walk from my class to work.

what my life looks like:

FT Job - 830-5
Class #1 530-645
Class #2 7-950

FT Job - 830-5
Class#3 530-7
PT Job - 7-9.

FT Job - 830-5
Class #1 530-645
Class #2 7-850

FT Job - 830-5
Class#3 530-7
PT Job - 7-9

FT Job- 830-5
Study & Homework 6-??

PT Job - 10-5
Study & Homework - whenever

Study & Homework - all day/till done

hey at least i cant bitch about being bored anymore!!

I will barely see Todd but it's alright. it wont be this way forever.


back from chicago

it rained and rained all weekend, but it really was such a wonderful weekend.

it was a weekend to be remembered even with all the shitty weather.

this is not a video from the show because i didn't take any video's from the first night but Todd and I will forever remember him playing this song. Big thanks to Matt Pryor for being such an awesome person and helping me surprise Todd. I know it meant a lot to us both but Todd especially. [if you're curious about specifics you can contact me directly]


nothing better to do

i feel really sick today and i dont know why. i've been at work [the part time job] since 9 this morning and have just been feeling worse and worse as the day goes on. i have class in an hour and a half but i am very seriously considering not attending. all i really want to do is eat some soup and go to sleep. my stomach hurts so bad and i just overall feel like shit. wtf

we're leaving for chicago in a couple of days. it will be nice to get out of st. louis for a few days. im really looking forward to just being in chicago but even more so the MP shows. we wont have time to do all the things we did last time [not to mention we just did them in may so there's not really an overwhelming urge to be all touristy again haha] but one thing we did decide we need/want to do is take a water taxi again to the Pier. something about the ride is incredible. i really love the feeling of the wind in your face and the bumps from waves.

ive decided that if we ever do move to chicago that we're going to live in an area where we can have a boat. i never understood why people liked boats so much but more and more i see the appeal.

Shawn & Alyssa will be here in about a month from Florida and Stephen will be here from California at the same time. It's going to be awesome. I am trying to talk Tara into her and Brian coming from Louisville. That would be incredible. Our place will be full of people and for the first time since I moved here I'll feel at home again. There's something about having a bunch of people in your house/apartment that rules. I took it for granted when I lived in Florida but now I wish for it on a daily basis.

Oh well, even with the downs life is still good. I say it all the time but Todd is such an incredible person. He has opened my eyes to so much and really changed me as a person [in a good way] so missing all those things back in Florida is worth it.

I have about 45 minutes left of work today and as much as the job rules because i can study/do homework it also makes the day sooo muuuuch lonnger because there is like little to no stimulation. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh


it's personal this time

i came in here to try and write something about what i was thinking, but i feel like i have no words. i feel bothered, stressed, worried, and frustrated about things that i'm normally very understanding of[difference of opinion for example]. 8 years ago i didnt really know anything, but did what i was supposed to. 4 years ago i didnt give a shit, and didnt do anything about it because i felt like it didnt matter anyway. this year i care, and i care a lot more than i thought i would. maybe now that i'm 26 instead of 18 i want to understand more. besides, i feel like this time, for me, there is much more at stake.

i feel kind of lost and don't really know how to fix that.



next week i'll start working on campus part time. that's awesome but unfortunately not a full time position so i'll still be looking for something full time. school is definitely going to kick my ass this semester, but i really am ready for it.

oh yeah and i'm under the 200 day mark for days left before the wedding. specifically 196 days left.

lol i totally have like halted planning because i've been out of it. one thing is for sure though, we are definitely cutting the guest list and having a smaller and more private wedding. i hope people can understand that.

Todd and I went to dinner with Ania and Mike last Friday and then over to their apartment where Todd fell in love with their dog Milo. They're moving to California so it looks like Todd and I will have to make some trips out that way. Such a bummer because they're such awesome people. I'll totally miss them.

I need to sleep now.


roll out the stretcher and make me feel better...

yesterday was the first day of classes since i changed schools and went back to my original major. i dont even really know why i left nursing & tried to go into computers in the first place. i think it had to do with the fact that i've always wanted to be a forensic nurse but always felt like it was too "out there" since i had a hell of a time finding a reputable graduate program for that specific thing.

well it turns out that UMSL has one in the works. I talked to the Assistant Professor and MSN Program Coordinator and she gave me some very excited and motivating information regarding the graduate forensic nursing program they're working on. it'll be a few years until they enroll the first class if they do get the program [which she mentioned she was confident they would because of a great response] which is totally fine and works in my favor since it's definitely still going to be a few years until i'm finished with my BSN.

Todd's so encouraging too of course. last week he made a little comment of "im glad you're doing this" and i dont know, for some reason inside it really made me feel good because i knew [not that i didnt know before] that he really will support me in anything i want to do.


fucking awesome

you know, today was really a great day.


boring sunday

wow i feel like there is nothing to do at all. I mean there totally is shit I could be doing, but I just dont even really feel like it. Todd is asleep and I'm kind of surprised I'm not.

So my sister and Shawn bought plane tickets to come up here in October! I am SO excited. I am crossing my fingers that my dad and stepmom will come. I know my stepmom might not be able to come because the kids have a lot going on and plus I dont think they'll want to be away from her for long. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they both come, or maybe if not at least my dad. I'm not sure that will work though.

Chicago in less than a month to see Matt Pryor. I am really looking forward to that. We were supposed to be going up there this Friday but it looks like we wont be doing that now. I know Todd's kind of bummed which sucks but shit happens.

Sundays are stupid


i need new shoes too

I've been playing a lot of Call of Duty 4. I suck so bad though. I'm KIND OF getting better, but ehhh I am just not really used to xbox controllers. There are too many goddamn buttons.

Life is not super interesting right now, but I am getting the list together for the Penthouse Suite at the Blues game in October. We have someone flying in from California for that weekend and also [possibly] 3 people flying in from Florida. I have also been making the selection from people here in St. Louis that I think would enjoy it and appreciate it. There are still a few tickets left that we'll need to give out, but I'm holding off on who to invite with them. We'll see what happens.

I really, really, really need to get on a different sleep schedule. This is seriously becoming too much and something that is causing more harm than good. fuck.



Matt Pryor's solo album Confidence Man is so fucking good. If you love Matt Pryor or any of his projects you have to listen to it. It's just got such an amazing feel to it.

It's an album that I listen to and really appreciate, and as much as I love music - it's still rare for me to really feel records sometimes. This one I do for sure.


Todd and I are going to see his 2 Chicago shows in September [so much Chicago, so little time haha- this month & next month woo] and I am SO SO SO fucking excited.

random talk

Todd and I were talking today about how we act together and what not and I said something like "it would be really weird if one of us fell out of love with the other" [because a lot of times we act so silly [for lack of better word] with each other that i could see it being really annoying in some instances. we just end up laughing the majority of the time] but he made a really great point when he said "It would be completely obvious though" And he's right. There is just this type of chemistry [i know it sounds dumb] but it's just there and if one of us stopped loving the other it would be so obvious because of body language and just the way we act. It's both terrifying and reassuring at the same time. I of course hate the idea of it happening [but I'm a realist I know anything can happen] but it's reassuring in the way of not having to worry "does he/she love me?" and mixed signals and stuff. I wonder if this makes any sense. Whatever.

Chicago in a few weeks and school a couple days after that. I am thinking about picking up another class but I'm not sure at this point. I dont want to overload myself, but the thought of 1 more class being out of the way is a nice thought.

I know this isnt my wedding blog or anything but i think i officially decided on a wedding band i want.

It's a white gold band with aquamarine stones instead of the normal diamond stones for an eternity band. I really like this because 1. aquamarine is the March birthstone and since we're getting married in March i like the idea of that and 2. I'm not big on diamonds anyway. My engagement ring is a diamond solitaire and i love it's simplicity but I'm not sure if i want to add more diamonds to the look. I think the look of this band on each side of the solitaire would look really cute and more me. Who cares if it's not traditional diamonds. I tried to photoshop a picture of what my ring would look like with this band on each side of it but it came out shitty because i dont know photoshop so whatever. Imaginations will have to do for now haha.

I think i might get to sleep at a normal hour tonight. Todd is off work tomorrow so yay for that. We were going to go see Lewis black but figured we'd save that money for other things.



haha riiiiight

[[i have way to much fucking time on my hands at night]]

Stolen from Laura.

Rules/Instructions/How Tos....
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it makes you look.

got it? ok, let's go:

She Take's It So Well - Hot Water Music

Sickening - The Loved Ones

Old Friend - Blacklisted

Soldier - The Slackers

Is There a Way Out - The Get Up Kids

Depression - Black Flag

The Nurse - The Slackers

Straightjacket Weather - Cadillac Blindside

Drug-Stabbing Time - The Clash

Runaway - Pink

Turn Out The Lights- The New Amsterdams

Don't Hate Me - The Get Up Kids

Not doing this one because I'm too tempted to rig it.

Minute - The Lawrence Arms

Ghost Story - Sinking Ships

Got Caught - Mu330

Suckerpunched - Dumptruck

Failure's Not Flattering - New Found Glory


say what?

someone once told me there was no point in being nice because people would A) take advantage of you, B)think you had ulterior motives behind it, or C) assume you're not genuine.

i believed it for a while, and still do in a way but probably just dont care as much. i spent many many years being so miserable that i treated everyone around me like shit.

it got me nowhere. Being nice doesnt exactly get me places, but at least I feel better about who I am.

However, this doesnt mean you have to be nice to everyone in the world obviously, but you get the point.

you live and you learn.

game night

Todd and I bought a game last night that is so so so funny. It's called Dirty Minds and it's not like some sexified game or anything like that. I mean seriously, we bought it from Barnes & Noble. But if you have a dirty mind it makes it so hilarious.

Basically you get 3 clues that sound dirty and you have to try and guess what the word is, but the word is totally not even anything dirty.

For example here's one that Todd actually guessed right:

-You never know when I'm going to come.
-I last a long time when conditions are right.
-You never know how many inches you'll get.

Answer: Snowstorm

We live an exciting life apparently. Whatever board games rule. At least we were laughing our asses off the entire time.



it's really pretty amazing how a simple unexpected sentence can really brighten a mood.

it's very much appreciated.


is the view of who i am really that far off?

what is the deal with this week?

i want to go back to 2 weeks ago when i wasnt questioning a damn thing.



i enjoyed reading this.

i really wish people could just accept that not everyone wants kids and that it doesnt make you "weird". It would also be nice if people could understand that not being a mother does NOT make you less of a woman.

however, i would like to say that i have the cutest nephews ever and some of my friends have the most adorable kids. i am no child hater.


in time

there's a lot to say, just no motivation to say it.



and i get to see my dad and sisters! that is awesome. I'm not dwelling on having to see the family i dont want to & just focusing on the fact that my little sister is getting marrrrrieeeeddd.

i am incredibly tired and think i am going to sleep way early tonight. Tomorrow is a busy day.

i think Todd and I have decided [ok maybe I decided] that when this lease is up we're moving back downtown. I dont know why but life just felt better living not so far out. It's totally a mental thing but whatever, if it makes me feel like my quality of life is better - so be it hahaha.

Oh, so Todd and I booked some penthouse suites at the arena for a couple hockey games and originally it was going to be when we were going to have the wedding up here but since now we're getting married in Florida it's kind of pointless, but either way we'll just invite some people we know here to go. Hey free game and shit right? OK!

Well anyways the point of that is the guy I booked it with in the beginning apparently is no longer there so my account was transferred to someone else [who so far has been super nice] but in the process there were a few misunderstandings that are not sitting well with me. I booked it and paid $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ for it and really expect to get everything that was part of deal.

I hope it happens or I might end up pretty pissed.


vodka and sugarfree lemonade makes for a good sleep aid

Today was such a productive and positive day. I did a lot of things I've been meaning to do, and then spent about 4 hours with a fabulous girl talking about all kinds of things.

It really was a great day.

I am so excited to see my sister get married this weekend, however, what's surrounding it makes me want to slam my head into a wall.

Last minute people doing last minute details to try and earn last minute credibility. Sorry, but it's not going to happen. The damage is done. But i'll still smile at you for the sake of my sister who I love and am very proud of. She deserves this day and no amount of dysfunction should take that away.

and the cardinals...............



it's that time again

only this time it's right up front not in the balcony. i love being excited about things.


33% more

going to texas in about a week.

i think it'll be nice to get out of here. not that much is going on here, though i think thats pretty much the problem. i always enjoy being able to run off with Todd for a few days.

i cant wait for winter.

oh yeah, Henry Rollins is coming back which rules hard. I will be sure not to get as drunk as last year when we saw him haha.


oh my god i need sleepppppppppppppppppppppppppppp.



Its late and I'm really not in the best mood.

However, I was thinking about things and have realized that just because I'm happy [in general] doesnt mean that I have to love everyone and make amends everywhere. Thanks to some lovely ladies who made me realize that.

There is absolutely no reason to treat anyone like shit, even people I may not like or people that have fucked me over - but on the same note, that doesnt mean I have to be nice to them either.

Jen put it very well. Getting married is putting me into a brand new chapter in life and is making me feel nostalgic & think about good moments in the past and that is ok & is normal. But I have a new life now and any situations good or bad that involve anyone that I have not chosen to keep in my life dont need to follow me into this new chapter.


Come fly the friendly skies...

2 weeks until we go to Texasssss.

It's going to be an interesting travel. Flying into Dallas and then going to Austin, staying there for a couple days for my sisters wedding and then going from Austin to Houston to fly back home.

It was a lot cheaper doing it this way [probably because of the hassle haha] but saving money was important, plus Todd loves airports so it's fine if we have to hang out in them for more than a few hours.

I am very very curious to see if the dysfunctional family members show their face while we're there. I'm hoping not.


learning the little details today

opened a part of my heart that i didnt even know was closed.

I hope that everyone in a bad, unhappy, unhealthy, or unfortunate relationship gets out. I dont care if it's someone I hate or hated at some point. The fear of being alone, and the confusion of where to go after is not worth staying. There are people out there that will love you unconditionally for who you are, what you look like, whatever direction youre going in life. There are people out there that wont make you cry, that wont call you names, that wont make you feel insignificant. There are people out there that will respect you at all times, that will solve problems in an adult way without hurting you, and that will make you FEEL loved. When you find that person you will know and you will wonder what the fuck you were doing all those years before.

This sounds like such a stupid post but I just felt like it needed to be put out there.


i got a phone call with a 512 area code. i dont answer those numbers unless it's saved in my phone [my sister or her fiance] because it could be my mom and she's the last voice i want to hear.

i think they left a message so i should just check that.

on a side note i always preach about how good frozen grapes are but i'll say it again. goddamn they're good.

5 years ago today I got arrested and spent the night in jail on the way to Posi Numbers. Ugh what an ordeal. I remember this because it's also my dads birthday and I'm sure he was not thrilled to get a crying phone call from me with the words "im in jail" 632 miles away, as a birthday present.

Speaking of which, I need to call him.


we ended up going to the arch for fireworks last night. holy shit there were a ridiculous amount of people there. I definitely think it's one of those things that you should do once but thats about it. I thought it was awesome feeling like the fireworks were in 3-D right in front of my face, but the parking, crowd, getting out of downtown thing is too much of a hassle to do it every year.

Here is a picture that was taken before the fireworks started. I was trying to see if I should use a flash, no flash, or night mode. I like how the arch looks.

Now off to the gym.


no complaining

i deleted the last entry of complaining because it was silly. instead i'll replace it with pictures of my nephews. So stoked I get to see them when we go to Texas this month!



Last night the gym gave me a bunch of energy and I didnt go to bed till way late.

Today the gym has made me so tired that I honestly want to crawl in bed and go to sleep right now.

It should really choose one or the other so that I can make sure i go to the gym at the appropriate time. When I wake up, or before I go to bed.

Tomorrow we're going to the riverfront/arch for the fireworks. It'll be weird. Last year we just sat on the couch in our apartment and watched them. I really miss living downtown. This is what the arch grounds looked like about 2 weeks ago when we went down there:
Below is a picture of a statue down at the river front that was taken last year. Below that is a picture from the flooding a few months ago. You can see the top of the guys hat behind the display board thing. Then in the last picture that's what it looked like 2 weeks ago when we went down there. The "A" arrow points to where the statue is under water, and the "B" arrow points to where the display board is underwater.

I dont know if/how much the water has gone down but I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

Perfect tl;dr example right here. But hey I added 2 pictures...

We got our symptoms things that i talked about in this post. They're so much bigger than I thought they'd be. They rule and now I'm pissed off we waited so long to get them because 2 were sold out. oh well.

I had a really fucked up dream last night. One of those ones where you're crying so hard in the dream you wake up crying. The majority of the dream was so bizzare it was hilarious but in the end Todd dies and I was devastated. I woke up and Todd was in the living room playing xbox so I walked out into the living room still half asleep and just grabbed him and hugged him really tight. He asked what was wrong and I told him to come lay down with me and I'd tell him so he did and I started telling him the dream. He laughed about the weirdness of the dream but then when I got to the end I just started bawling haha. We were both laughing and I was like sobbing through my laughs. I couldnt believe what was going on. Half asleep and crying like a fool. He has never seen me cry like that haha.

We go to Texas in 3 weeks for my little sisters wedding. I'm excited to see her. Not excited about the drama that my mother may cause. Ugh.

My sister Alyssa left for Haiti today. I always get so worried when she goes there. I'm not even sure why. My dad and I were talking about it today and about how we're uneasy for the week she's gone usually and then the rational part of me realized that it's really no different than when my grandparents traveled to Italy a few weeks ago. I guess it's just the whole unknown thing. I hope her and the people she's will have a save flight there and back and a safe time there. I love my sisters.

During that same conversation with my dad we started talking about Todd and I told him about the dream and stuff. I also then mentioned to my dad that I've only cried maybe twice in the last year. Once from pain, and once because of a job situation I think. So we started talking about how much my dad loves Todd and how he thinks that Todd has had a "profound positive impact on me" and of course that sits extremely well with my dad seeing as how I'm his daughter and him and I are very close. Todd happened to wake up while I was on the phone and so I was like "ok dad well I'll let you go" and my dad said "see how it is? You're talking to me but then the love of your life wakes up and you're ready to let me go. But that's how it should be" I laughed said I loved him and hung up.

The dream I had really fucked with me. But at the same time it made me see my relationship that much clearer and made me realize just how much i love Todd and how important we are to each other. Sometimes I think it's sick how in love with him I am, and I'm sure others do too. But what can I say - he's incredible.

LOL at the 'caught me off guard" face and mouth full of Amp.



-Went to get an oil change, waited an hour and some for them to tell me they didnt have the right airfilter for my car in stock and couldnt do the oil change.
-Got my hair trimmed. Summer says if i want my hair to grow i need to trim the ends. I trust her.
-Cardinals game tonight. Carzan is coming with Todd and I which rules. I still have an extra ticket that probably wont get put to use. Bummer.
-Listening to a lot of Colbie Caillat. I like her a lot.

Dramarama on my moms side of the family [no surprise]. Blows my mind that people can be so fucking dramatic and pathetic. I feel bad because it's affecting my little sister 3 weeks before her wedding. I told her that she needs to tell my gma, mom, and certain distant relative to go fuck themselves. She wont though haha, she's a better daughter than I. I'm really thankful for one of my aunts though. She's been helping my sister out with this wedding and I'm glad for that. Obviously my mom is useless.

My sister Alyssa is going to Haiti again this week. Be safe sister even though i know you wont read this.


sunday bloody sunday

i'm pretty positive this is the longest and most boring sunday ever.


When the hell did this happen?

I have added another "One thing I wishwishwish I could do" to my list.

The only thing I had on it before was play the piano. I dont know why but I have always wished that I learned to play the piano and sometimes think about what it would be like to be able to sit behind the keys and play some awesomely beautiful song. Why you ask? NO CLUE.

Seriously, I dont know why of all things that was something that I longed to be able to do.

Well, now I have another thing. Painting. I am no artist but more and more I wish I was. I have found some artwork that I just absolutely love and adore and it gives me this overwhelming feeling of wishing I had the talent to paint great things.

I've never really been into art before the last few years and even in the last year and half has it completely blown up. I can sit here and look at paintings and prints all day and not get tired of it. I think it's gotten to the point that I would take a trip to LA or San Francisco just to go to one of the Gallery 1988 locations. I am sure there are other art galleries that i have yet to find that would make me just as happy but this was the one that showed me so many paintings that i have just fallen in love with.

I do have a free flight voucher and one of the locations I can use it for is LA....


hockey creeps and flooding

last weekend Todd and I went to Hockeyfest. There was a draft party and an alumni/celebrity all star game. It was fun, but seriously made me realize how many fucking creepy people there are in the world.

Throughout the weekend they had some sports memorabilia being sold from different vendors and also autograph sessions and what not and i swear to god some people have NO common sense/courtesy.

Now i understand that obviously if an athlete is doing an autograph signing that a picture will be taken here and something will be signed there... but when there are people having them sign the weirdest shit and also standing around them taking picture after picture it just gets really goddamn creepy.

Unfortunately I am not able to explain it the way i want to.

I guess i just think its common courtesy to say hello, get something signed if you want, maybe take a picture and be on your way. You are not friends with them because you said hello, so dont go telling your life story and or making horribly bad jokes with them. And for the love of god, stop stalking them with a camera in plain view.

we also went down to the river. It's high as fuuuuuuck. I took some pictures but i havent uploaded them because i just havent really felt like it... but maybe i'll do that tomorrow or later tonight.

Im really tired and kind of cranky for no reason.


i think i'd rather be blind

$400 at the eye doctor today.

now, dont get me wrong i know glasses can get expensive but we dont give a shit about the high end, designer brand frames. we're cool with the cheapy ones.

so because of this we werent not expecting to pay a TON of money and it was much needed.

but almost $400? COME ON

and then the dude charged me for some other ladys glasses which was almost $200 and then realized he made the mistake so he said he "refunded" it and that it would be credited to my account immediately. when i got home i looked at my account and saw that both the other lady's glasses and my own were showing as debits.

i had to sit on the phone with BOA to try and sort it out.

stupid optical place.

The Fabulous Fox

Todd and I havent been to the Fox Theater since we saw Edward Scissorhands and i was just thinking about how I want to go again. This is a shitty picture i took with my camera phone at the time when we were leaving afterwards. I didnt think you could have cameras but apparently you can, you just cant take pictures of the actual show. The inside is beautiful so I'll definitely bring a camera next time.

There are a few things I think I want to go to. Something in August and maybe something in November.


living in layoff land

i seriously need to get on a better schedule. I told Todd tonight before he left for work that i was just going to take some tylenol PM or some shit so that i could get back on something normal, but i have yet to do that.

so in this job search of mine i've been thinking about things. it's so nice to have a cushion of money in your bank account and not have to worry about finances. i need to find a job asap so that things dont start getting bleak and we dont have to start living like poor people. i HATE that feeling and havent felt it in a while so i'd really prefer not to go back to that.

im not being picky about jobs right now, and even though i know i wont make near what i was making before it's still a low blow when positions are offering almost $10.00 less an hour than you were making at a previous job.

layoffs are WHACK. if i did something bad and got fired i'd only have myself to blame for losing out on a large chunk of money but fuck- it wasnt even my fault. of course i'd have to experience my first company lay off with an awesome job making good money.

i do feel lucky that im still getting some kind of money every week, but i cant stomach this not working shit much longer. i fucking hate it.

i have decided to volunteer at the hospital near me in the mean time so at least i feel somewhat productive & will continue to send out my resume and pray for interviews.


so i can remember it here

i was sitting on the couch today kinda feeling bummed out so i pulled my knee's up, laid my head on the couch and pulled my blanket up to my mouth and Todd was sitting there and saw me and slightly tilted his head and said "honey, why are you cocooning" and then asked me what was wrong. I couldnt help but smile at him. Cocooning? what the fuck hahaha.

He does everything right without even trying.


all over the place

today i made some kind of makeshift broccoli & cheese soup. to my surprise it was so much better than i thought. it consisted of:

low sodium, fat free chicken broth
broccoli & cauliflower
diced tomatoes & green chilis
4oz of lowfat velveeta cheese [it melts better than other stuff]

i was expecting something kinda gross because no diet food is good [actually thats a lie] but it ruled. a little spicy but this mexican liked it.

on a different note, the fact that it stays light so late nowadays throws me off. i like it but at the same time it makes me think its much earlier than it really is.

i had some fucking weird dreams last night. im really not a fan of dreaming about people from my past because it either depresses me or just makes me go 'blech'. these are people that i either just lost touch with and miss or people that i've had falling outs with. i just dont like waking up with those people fresh in my mind. it seems like it happens randomly when i havent thought about the person or people in a long time.

yeah so im watching the cardinals game and Pujols just went down running to first. that fucking calf man. Plus I think we have something like 10 pitchers on the DL? haha christ.

not good signs for my team that has been doing alright. bummer


is it possible!? [wedding post]

that we found a place for the wedding that wont give me a huge headache?? i hope so.

i dont really want to have it at the country club anymore so ive been looking into a bunch of other places and my sister has been going around to them. i'll lose my deposit at the country club but at this point i think it might be worth it.

my sister went and looked at this place today and took some pictures and i have to say that im into it. it has all the tables, linens, dinnerware, dance floor, ceremony area, reception area, includes set up and clean up, the guy is nice.

hopefully this works out! however, it looks like we might have to change our date because someone else is already interested in the 14th there. they have 2 weeks to confirm it, but if they do take it i will probably have to move it to 2/28/09 or POSSIBLY 03/21/09.

we'll see.

im going to think about it for a couple days and then make the final decision and send the $300 in to hold the date if i decide to go with it.

ill be glad when this is decided.



i really liked having a normal sleep schedule for the last week. it was nice falling asleep at 10pm and getting up around 530-6am. staying up all night is boring and serves no purpose unless you're working.

im sitting here listening to third eye blind and trying to think of what i could/should be doing.

todd gets off work in 2 and a half hours and is off work tonight!

this is stupid


i bought these for todd today.

there are 3 others that were sold out though which is a total fucking bummer because i'm not sure if they'll be made again. Vinny from LTJ designed a serious of toys called Symptoms and being that LTJ is one of todd's favorite bands he was stoked on these. he just never bought them for himself because he's bad about that [and always likes or wants something but doesnt do/buy it] so sometimes i have to do it for him and then he gets really happy. he's like a 29 year old child.

and while im on the topic of random things, i myself am really no artist nor have i ever really been interested in art until i accidentally came upon Luke Chueh's website where i totally fell in love with his paintings.

well today while on his site and looking at sites that sell his stuff [which i most definitely cannot afford, but wish i could], i found another artist named Dave Burke, who's work i really like. there are a couple prints for some reason i really liked and want to buy. i dont know if i really will but this is one that i loved:i dont even really know why! there is just something i love about bright, colorful, odd art. these type of things are just aesthetically pleasing to me.

and to end this i just have to say that i know frozen/fresh veggies are better than canned but i prefer canned french cut greenbeans to the frozen-need-to-be-steamed ones.


dealing with Fidelity and 401k bullshit is really just not something i enjoy.


i am SO frustrated right now.

i really need to just make a wedding blog so that there is one place i can either bitch, or be super excited and it doesnt overflow into other parts of my life where others might not care as much.

but right now i dont have one so i'll bitch in here. i mean i could use my livejournal but i find myself going back and forth between this and that and it's the bloggers turn now haha.

anyway, one of the wedding vendor's im dealing with right now is such a bitch. i want to pull my hair out every single time i talk to her. that, or just punch her in the face.


im just having a bad day. they're rare but they still happen and today is one of them!



im not sure how i like all the pink in this new layout, but i dont really care enough to change it.

the trip to chicago was INCREDIBLE. im glad we went and saw todd's mom friday night and then headed to chicago on saturday. it was the best 4 days i've had in a very very long time.

relaxing, doing whatever we wanted - when we wanted... the wind blowing in our faces and really just having no care in the world. it was a feeling that i absolutely loved and i cant think of anyone i would have rather shared it with.

todd --- he is one phenomenal dude. noone has ever, or could ever, make me as happy as he does. life's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but the life we have together makes it so that that imperfection doesnt even phase me.

in florida ana said to me "you know how lucky you are right?" and went on to tell me why. you know someone is right for you when everyone around you see's it without you having to create some kind of presentation.

290 days until it's me and him against the world forever hahaha


2 of my sisters

at times i wonder how people from the exact same bloodline can be so different. maybe not in the better or worse way just very different. my favorite part of it all is that regardless of how different our lives are i feel close and love them. the parts of themselves that i dont have dont brew bitterness or jealousy, but admiration and proudness. There is no competition but genuine happiness for one another i believe. Of course it wasnt always this way - being young and immature we couldnt get along to save our lives but we are lucky enough to have left that behind in becoming adults.

we have alyssa and we have alexa.

we have alyssa -
determined, headstrong, beautiful, reserved but yet so loving and giving. only 16 months younger than me but years ahead of me in terms of accomplishments. working the same job for 9 years all while going to school and supporting herself - here she is a college graduate and going into gradschool. she's honest, she's loyal, and she's supportive. She stands by her beliefs and lives her life as best she, as a human being, can. She goes to Haiti doing things that i would never be able to do. Not only is she beautiful inside as a person but she's beautiful outside. Seriously i dont get how we are related! if she wasnt my sister i'd call her a babe but since she is i will just say that anyone who knows my sister know just how beautiful she is. Here is a young woman who is smart, hilarious, goal-oriented, gorgeous and who was my solid rock for a long time and who still is at times. And i have to say that i absolutely love the fact that i am related to someone who is going to be so successful in this world and someone who regardless of disagreements or times of needing an attitude adjustment [ha] has a heart of gold.'

then we have alexa - another incredible person. at 21 she has been through, gone through, overcome and moved on from things that most people would have no understanding of. she is a person who at one point in time i feared where she'd end up. there are absolutely no words in this life that i could ever use to explain how proud i am of her. she will be a wife in a month and a half and is a WONDERFUL mother of 2 little boys. She is by far much stronger than i ever could be and i have mentioned this to her more than once. I hope that she knows and understands just how proud our entire family is of her and how seeing her in this stable life and happy brings more joy to our hearts than ever imaginable.

and then there is me & anyone who knows me can see the obvious differences here.

this is in NO way meant to be self-deprecating or anything of the sorts. I have great qualities and in no way do i feel a "woe is me" "they are better than me" feeling - i am just stating facts. we are all different and again, its not about who's better or who's worse. None of us are "better" than the other anyway.

really what this is, is just a mere reflection of how incredible i think my sisters are and the many things that i admire and hope to one day be like and how lucky i feel to have at least some members of my family that dont disappoint me and who support me regardless of what i am or what i am not.

im trying!

ok im really trying not to make this a wedding blog, but i do have to say a few things...

with my sleep being totally screwed up i tend to spend my nights reading and searching online at any and everything wedding related to get ideas for the wedding.

one thing that i have noticed is that i looooove looking at people that i know or know of's wedding photos. it makes me feel like a total girl because i get so excited about my own wedding and even though i know i wont look as gorgeous as some of these brides, i get so excited about how awesome im going to FEEL at my wedding.

im not really sure what's happened but lately i am beyond ecstatic about getting married and planning this wedding.

i almost feel silly because im not really the "girly girl" haha but i get so giddy about it lately.

296 days until im a WIFE.




so stoked. baseball, shows, touristy shit, romance [LOLOL], friends - it will be a blast really.

2 vacations in one month. ruuuules.

Davids Bridal keeps calling me from when i was trying shit on in florida. i keep having to tell them I DONT LIVE THERE i was just visiting so i wont be coming in anytime soon... at least not to their store haha



there really is so much that i can finally update about and i guess im kind of in the mood to go ahead and do it. it's funny because everytime i think i am - i start writing and then realize im really not hahaha.

anyways, so todd and i had our trip back to florida a few weeks ago. it was much enjoyed but SO SO SO busy. basically the trip went like this:

thursday: flew into orlando where todd and i took a hotel shuttle to the hotel that we were staying at. alyssa and shawn drove down and picked us up and then alyssa and i went to davids bridal so that i could try on wedding dresses. todd and shawn ended up walking around the mall and having dude talk or something. it was surprisingly not so bad. i thought i was going to be in a horrible mood trying on wedding dresses [haha i know i know. it's supposed to be a totally happy moment] but i was afraid that i wouldnt find any dresses i liked or that i wouldnt like how i looked IN them. incredibly i was in a great mood the entire time. my sister was there to help me get in the dresses and all the ones i tried on were pretty alright. didnt find "THE ONE" or anything like that haha but i got an idea of the best styles for me to look and feel comfortable in. then we all went to dinner and had so many moments that had me DYING laughing. i cant even really remember anything specifically but i was crying from laughing so hard. after that back the the hotel and bed.

friday: ALYSSA'S GRADUATION! I'm so glad we decided to stay in Orlando that night, since she was graduating from UCF it was a muuuuuuch shorter drive than trying to drove from ocala. Her graduation was huge and it was in the weirdest order so the whole time we had shawn, todd, me, my dad & stepmom, and grandma & grandpa trying to find her so that we wouldnt miss when her named was called and she walked the stage. so my awesome awesome sister graduated college! [and is headed towards gradschool]. then we headed up to ocala got settled at alyssas and then went to lunch with the whole family. that was fun/interesting. i got to see my little brother and sister for the first time since i moved. they're so grown up haha. fucking a.... i just realized i didnt get any pictures of them!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING. damnit. well anyways then that night we had a graduation party at my dads for my sister and then from there went over to summer and steves with eric and they all got to meet todd [and liked him which was awesome] and that was that.

saturday: that was the day of my bridal shower. i had a blast and got to see some old faces i hadnt seen in years. i was so grateful so many people showed up and had a good time. alyssa did an incredible job on it. except for having to wear a funny veil, a blinking "bride to be" crown & button [hahhaa just kidding, i loved wearing it sissy alyssy] and the fact that you could SEE THROUGH MY DRESS it was perfect! i was soooo thankful for all the awesome gifts everyone got me and also thankful for spending the time, money, and effort to participate in it. it meant a lot to me. Ana drove down from BIRMINGHAM for it, and Corrine drove up from Tampa for it. Melanie came from gainesville too. Not as far, but still a travel. Seriously, i felt really lucky. later that night some of us got together to go out and have a few drinks. I got to meet Mel's husband and Todd got to meet some more people. after that we went over to James and Ambers to spend a little time there. I'm glad i got to see james. i seriously miss them a ton! mr. baby boy was sleeping but i got to see his cute face anyway. another successful night.

sunday: sunday was my little sisters first communion so we got up early and went to church. pretty awkward honestly, but not as bad as i was thinking. from there we drove out to my grandparents house where they had some catered food and we ended up swimming for hours. oh what a beautiful sunday that was. todd and i swam and played with the kids for a long time and then afterwards just sat in the sun and talked about how incredible it felt. that was one of the most fun and relaxing days. i hate florida heat but i totally forgot how awesome that heat feels when you're in or around a pool. came back and hung out with eric, shawn and alyssa and then todd and i stayed up watching playoff hockey but then i passed out because the game was going on for so damn long.

monday: we went and looked at the country club/wedding venue. i realized that ive totally been at a wedding there before! talked with the lady there and got some more ideas of cost and the other little details. then we went to my dads and sat around for a while since it was the last night i was going to see him before we left :( i set him up with a gmail account so now he tries to chat with me everytime he sees me on. haha adults and technology is hilarious.

tuesday: time to fly home. alyssa drove us to orlando and dropped us off at the airport. we hung out, boarded the plane and flew away from sunny florida. bittersweet of course. i was really happy to be coming home and being back in st. louis and sleeping in my own bed, but it didnt feel like enough time with friends and family.

I'm glad i finally updated this and wrote about the trip home. We're going to Chicago this coming weekend so maybe i'll get around to updating about that. It will probably take me forever though like this one did hahaha.

thanks for the picture awad hahaha



i just got behind in updating it.

SO much is going on yet so little is going on at the same time. im not sure how thats possible.

this sucks because there is a ton of stuff i could talk about but now i dont really feel like it. it's far passed.

some highlights

-todd and i went to the city museum and it RULED
-i did a 'ladies & left wings' at the arena which was incredible
-todd and i went to the cardinals opening day and it ended up rained out. WTF
-im pretty sure theres more but whatever.

god i hate trying to write when im not feeling it.


i REALLY should be sleeping

but im not.
i need to make the decision on where to have the wedding.

florida or st. louis.


so many pros and cons for both.

tomorrow is monday, one of my longest days and i know i need to sleep as much as possible the night before, but i never can and then i hate myself the next day.

we finally got the living room completely unpacked. now all thats left is the kitchen/dining room and the bedroom. there is not much left to do with those, but they're not finished nonetheless.

pictures of the livingroom:

and of course todds muppet corner HAHA which of course we could only fit half of his shit on because there is so much.

i'll post pictures of the kitchen/dining room and bedroom maybe whenever that happens.

opening day is 2 weeks from tomorrow. Todd and i have yet to decide if we're going to go. we want to but the lineup for this team this year is so ridiculous that i think we've lost some of our obsession. but lucky/unfortunately haha for us the love for baseball is there so we will be attending.

OH on the 28th i am hoping to go to the Ladies and Left Wings at the hockey arena. It sounds like a blast, now i just need to find another lady to go with!

its going to be 2am before i get to sleep at this rate. i should probably at least attempt it now.


havent said much lately

todd and i finally moved into our new place. im not sure if i wrote about it or not yet. oh well.

i hate not being in the city but the place isnt so bad i guess. the hot water kind of sucks, but the apartment is cozy enough and no more paying for parking and dealing with stupid elevators. i do miss the public transit though.

having some concern/confusion with the wedding. there is a chance that it will no longer be in florida and in fact be here in st. louis. i know this will change a lot of things because a very large majority of my friends will not be able to attend. i havent made a decision on it yet though so i guess we'll see.

this is double posted because i wrote it originally for something else but figured i'd throw it in here too since im trying to transition to a public blog thing [riiight] its kind of long and kind of ranty but whatever:

this is a rant about having children. first of all let me just say that i have more friends with kids than i do without kids and although this shouldnt be offensive whatsoever i have a feeling at least someone with kids will be offended so - please dont be offended and if you are.... come on, think about that for a minute.

with that said...

i never ever want kids. ever. and it really fucking irritates me when people act as though something is wrong with ME because i dont have that motherly instinct or that my biological clock is not ticking. there is nothing wrong with me for not having the desire to go through pregnancy, or labor, or spend my time and money on a child. I want Todd and I to live life for us. We both fully agree on this, which is so refreshing and really comforting as well. He wants kids as much as I do - which is a DO NOT EVER WANT. When people find this out so often i hear "never?? really??" or "you'll change your mind" or even "you havent lived until you've experienced your own child" Well in that case I will never live and I am completely fine with that.

I have nothing against kids, and i think they're fucking adorable. That is until they start screaming, or crying or throwing a tantrum. More and more lately when I'm in public and I hear a kid start screaming or crying at their mother or father, it annoys me more than anything and it makes me think to myself "i NEVER want kids". Call me selfish or a terrible person but I want to be able to go where i want, when i want and not have to worry about having a babysitter or if the place is kid friendly. I want to spend my money on a vacation for Todd and I to relax or have fun - not on diapers and formula.

I do think childbirth is a beautiful thing and something really great, but not for me. some friends and i think even my sister sometimes finds it so just bizarre that i dont feel like being a mom or even think i might want it. But im not odd, how i feel is not bizarre. Not everyone is meant to be a parent and luckily Todd and i found each other and agree that neither of us was ever meant to have a kid.

I think it just really pisses me off when people act as though I will never have a fulfilled life because I dont want a child. How dare someone tell me that i'll never experience "real love" because i wont ever have a mother-child bond. Sure I'll never experience THAT kind of love, but as i've stated many times I DO NOT WANT THAT KIND OF LOVE.

This is just a rant because it annoys me to no end when people act like something is wrong with me or that im a bad person because I dont want kids. There is nothing wrong with me and I am not a bad person at all - in fact i think im a better person for not falling into some mindset where i have a kid because i feel like i have to as woman or some shit. People that have kids because they want to, or because it happens but they're excited - that's fantastic and I am happy for them, but people that have kids when they dont really want to need to reevaluate themselves. How can you be a good mother or father if you have a kid when you dont want them?

I always hear that it changes once the baby is born and thats fine. But my lack of desire to ever ever ever be a mother or have to answer to a child will prevent me from seeing if my feelings change.

I've been told on numerous occasions that i cant have kids anyway, but who knows if that's truly the case, and I dont want a miracle.

This is not a shit talking rant to parents whatsoever because like i said i have more friends with kids than i do without - but i refuse to feel "different" because i hate the thought of my own children.

its late and im tired.
its time to relax and watch a movie and fall asleep i think.

todd is off work tomorrow which is really nice. i always love his day off work when it's on a weekend.


diets suck.



alone in the office

so two of the girls i work with our off today and the other one worked from home today so im here alone basically. i would have worked from home today as well except that i have class tonight and if i stayed home on a night i have class there's no way i'd want to drive through snow or cold weather to get to class 35 minutes away so i figured it's better to just come to work. boo.

the blues game last night was fun and started out good and then went south [of course ugh]. as i sat there last night listening to people yell and during the second period freaking out with the ALMOST goals i realized how much i do not want hockey season to end. im stoked on baseball of course but i wish both sports were year round and i was rich and could just go to every game for both sports.

finals are next week, which im glad about. 2 more classes down. i picked up an extra class next term which was fucking stupid because now i'll be going to the school for classes monday, tuesday, wednesday AND thursday, on top of working everyday. at least before i only went for 2 days so even though i was working i'd still have 2 nights off. complain complain.

this blog has become so pointless. [was it ever not? haha]



so im sitting at my desk and one of my coworkers walks up to me with tickets to tonights blues game and asks if i want them because he cant go. it's totally inconvienent but who can pass up free hockey tickets?? not me! so i guess todd and i will be attending the blues game tonight instead of moving more shit haha.

yesterday i was thinking about a year ago this month when todd and i were in florida and went to the 2 Less Than Jake album shows in St. Pete. it was seriously so fucking awesome because we both got our first choice albums being played. pezcore and hello rockview. listening to the entire album played live from start to finish was just so much fun. To make it better they played half of losing streak the first night, and the rest of it the second night so essentially we got 3 albums in those two shows. on top of that we stayed at a nice radisson and spent time in st. pete. it was a great time. i'm so glad i have so many fun memories and moments with todd. it's a nice change to have someone who enjoys going out and is into things i enjoy and a situation where we enjoy each others company. i suppose that's why we decided to get married haha. you shoudlnt really marry someone you cant do those things with.

im a little more busy at work than i have been latley which is nice, i dont think it will change anything that's going on, but i stil have a few weeks before i know what's going to officially happen.

i need to call direct tv asap and figure out what we're doing about our cable/dish [which way we're going for the new place] i wonder if cable has the same about HD channels as cable. hmmmm

oh and we're moved into the new place. still have some small shit to move, but overall we're moved in.

i will miss you city.


life has been stressful as of lately, but all in all life is good.

when i take myself out of stressful situations and look at my surroundings i know that life is better than ever. it's ok to have bad days, life is not perfect nor will it ever be. so many unknowns with a new work structure and moving and wedding planning have stressed me out to the max. I sometimes dont know how Todd stays so calm. I wish i was like him in the sense of not stressing when there's nothing you can do. I think i have control issues. i always need to know what is going on, what is going to happen, how its going to happen, what will happen afterwards and it's just not realistic. it's ok to stress about some things, but if you have no control over it why stress? I think Todd still has a lot to teach me haha.

We get the keys to the new place tomorrow. I'm super bummed about it but slightly excited too. I am going to miss the city so much but it's always fun to redecorate and organize a place. We have 2 accent walls painted in the new place so i think that will look awesome with the black we have in furniture. i am trying to look at the brightside of things.

Still drowing with school. so much work in so little time and when there are other things you have to focus on besides class it makes it difficult to keep your head on straight sometimes. Soon though, soon it will be over. I still dont know how my sister has managed to work full time and go to school fulltime for so long. I've only been doing it for like 3 terms and feeling crazy.

Nothing else to say for now. haha



my morning is consisting of a 100 calorie mini banana muffin pack, watery fruit punch crystal light, and sitting at work listening to my coworkers talk about something [thought they're too far away for me to make out what they're saying], and me really doing nothing at work as usual lately.

i wish work would pick up, the days would go by faster not to mention it would mean that things are going good again. i know decisions have been made though and whats done is done basically. we will see how things pan out in the next month and a half. GODDAMNIT ECONOMY.

classes end in about 3 and a half weeks. i wish i came from a rich family where i could go to school full time and either not have to work or work part time. working full time and going to school fulltime is just so much. i feel like my days just blend in with each other and the weeks just fly by. maybe its like that for everyone but i swear to god my birthday was just a couple weeks ago, and then i look at a calender and realize it was a month and a half ago. but THEN i think more about it and it feels longer than only 6 weeks. i know that doesnt even make sense. do i care? nah

im looking forward to going to florida, but i need to work harder to get my shit together asap.

this was fucking stupid



you fun fun thing!

looks like I'm going to Florida in May. My sisters graduation, my bridal shower and bachelorette party. HA

We move in 2 weeks. ITS SO SAD.

i know i have a lot to say but its like 530 in the morning and i really should be asleep, not writing in here.

I think I'm getting more of a handle on the wedding music and I think the guest list has been narrowed down.

Weddings have way to many fucking details.


oh yes yes yes

my wedding dress has been officially chosen.

its gorgeous and im excited holy shit.


havent posted in a while

well todd and i DID get a new apartment out of the city. it's pretty depressing but that's ok. we move in abotu 3 weeks. i really do like the idea of saving more money in rent and everything so im trying to look at the positives. plus we'll be really close to his work.

i wont be going to my dads graduation at the end of this month because of a few things with my job. it's just not something i can do right now, and he understands. it really bums me out, but i am really going to try and go to florida in may for my sisters graduation and i'll be able to see my dad then. i think my sister might try and do my bridal shower and possible bachelorette party then. lolz it's like 8 months or so before the wedding but unfortunately thats kind of what you have to do when you're having a wedding in a different state than you live.

school is still going. it feels so long on top of work all day, but i know it's something that has to be done. i'll be happy when its over, and hopefully it will help me out this year in my tax return and get some things paid off.

as far as the wedding stuff goes we have a few more things lined up. we're pretty set on a budget but luckily thanks to friends and family with hookups we're able to get a lot of things for cheap so it fits into our budget. i am having a good friend marry us since notaries can marry people in florida, so we'll have to come up with the ceremony program and im hoping its not too difficult.

i found the perfect dress that is too expensive for my liking, but we'll see if things go as "planned" and if so i will be wearing that dress. it really is gorgeous [in my opinion]. it's not solid white/ivory it has a colored trim around the bottom and around the top [above the boobs] and down the back in the color that im actually having my bridal party wear. i LOVE it.

alsoooo we've decided on our honeymoon destination. we are taking a mini tour of eastern canada. it will cover Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, and Quebec. Hockey games in as many cities as we can, and staying the night in a castle in Quebec, and also going to a fucking SNOW PARK. how awesome will that be?? A SNOW PARK.

whatever, its going to rule.

overall life is still great. has its ups and downs with school and work and bills but all in all, i'm having the time of my life with a great person in a great city.


i is tie red

interesting news from work.

i think todd and i are moving out of the city. i think ive realized i really really dont want to. i like the feeling of being surrounded by buildings and listening to traffic on the highways. i think it's going to feel lonley. the place isnt in the middle of nowhere, but it sure as fuck feels that way because of what we're used to. we will however get to save like $450 a month in rent because we wont be paying for our high rise apartment or arch view. though i will miss the fuck out of them.
i have a feeling that if we hate it out there, if we move that is, we'll move back into the city after we get married and the lease is up.

im working from home today and everyone started super early so that they could be done early and i would have been done an hour ago except that i took a 2 hour lunch to go to the apartment complex and fill shit out. so now i'll sit here on my laptop bored out of my mind hoping that 515 hurrys up and watching dumb shit on tv.

speaking of dumbshit on tv, that scott baio is 45 and pregnant is on and he's freaking out about having kids. that is one of the reasons im stoked on never having children. i dont want the stress, i dont want the screaming, the crying, the diapers, the formula, the lack of sleep. maybe its incredibly selfish, but honestly i am so stoked on todd and i living OUR OWN life. going where we want when we want, spending our money on us, having no restrictions. i mean kids are cute and great and all, but kid's just arent my thing. so everything works out great.

plans for this weekend are up in the air. i didnt get to go to birmingham so now i'll just be at home and maybe go to a movie and get hammered at the bar. todd is looking forward to sitting at the bar drinking his coke. that old man's edge is still razor sharp haha what a loser! [kiddddding]

im going to enjoy my weekend no matter what.


if assholes could fly

so i need to buy a lot of plane tickets this year it seems.

my dad's graduation for his Doctorate in atlanta in march
my sister in florida's graduation in may
my sister in texas' wedding in july

thats 3 tickets, or 6 if you include todd's tickets. whattt thaaa fuuuuck

work is SO slow it's insane. im not complaining because this is the first job that has made it so that i have a few hundred dollars in my account still when the next paycheck comes in. im so used to living paycheck to paycheck i didnt know what that buffer was like, or what a real savings account was like haha. so slow or busy i shouldnt complain. they're paying me either way.

no clue what im doing this weekend. Todd did say on one of his nights off he wants to go to Caleco's and sit at the bar. this will include him drinking coke all night and watching me get hammered. hey, sounds like a plan to me for sure.

i really dont know how much i like this blog thing.


a day.

today is a day.
i am having a day.
you know...

a day.

i hope tomorrow is a different day.

jesus lord almighty

so im sitting here in class, and i just have to document how this term is a fucking jokeeee.
im spending $2500 on some bullshit right now. ok fine, first day of classes again - but really...
i shouldnt complain, at least it will be an easy straight A's this term, but still.

work is interesting as well.

i think i just had a stupid day today so im not being positive about anything. sleeping would be fantastic.

doctor's tomorrow after work. i think im just going to write a list of whats wrong with me and hand it to him so that he can figure it out on his own. i think i have the blood work from the last time i went to the doctor so he can at least look at that and avoid having to order some other blood work.




what a lazy weekend

i have done nothing [until now] except watch grey's anatomy this weekend. it's fantastic.

classes start back up on monday which im both dreading and looking forward to, if thats even possible.

my skin is SO dry lately and its yuck, i hate it. this is probably just going to end up being another completely pointless entry, but then again thats basically this entire blog so nothing new there.

last week was a really interesting week. heard from people i hadnt heard from in a while, and they all came out of the woodwork at the same time. part of me is thinking they heard about my engagement and just wanted to see if i'd mention it to them. who knows though - maybe they were all a coincidence.

tonight todd and i were talking about what it meant to be "IN LOVE". not just to love someone, but to really be in love with that person. at one point i said "i wonder what exactly being IN love means...and that's not something you can google" he just started laughing really hard and i realized how ridiculous that sounded. we both came to the conclusion that although we've loved before, and loved people we were with - neither of us had actually been IN LOVE until now. i think being in love is just something you know when it happens. there's a lot i cant explain about my feelings when it comes to todd, and i figure that's because "when you know, you just know" is actually a true statement and words cant really do those feelings justice.

i guess it's appropriate that i marry the person i actually fell in love with huh?


oh and also, the date

January 17th, 2009

at this point that is the official wedding date.

378 days to go!

so much to do

who knew that having a real wedding would have so many little details? NOT ME. but then again i never expected to have a "real" wedding....basically meaning a nice and semi formal wedding.

i figured out the country club im getting married at. they have a gazebo for the ceremony and a nice hall for the reception.
ive figured out the food situation that the country club will be catering.
figured out who is doing my flowers
figured out who is doing my photography
and then the other stuff i mentioned earlier on.

i need to figure out the best way to organize everything. there are so many little things that make me go WTFFFFF.

there is still one issue im dealing with though.
the guestlist. i do not want to hurt anyone by not inviting them, but i cant invite too many people because im already going to be paying about 2 grand for the country club facilities and catering.

i dont know what to do about that....i feel like either way people are going to be upset or offended.

man working full time, going to school 12 hours a week, and planning a wedding...... i wonder how 2008 will be for my stress level.




ive been having the hardest time sleeping. I dont know what the deal is but i get in bed and toss and turn. it took me 2 hours to finally fall asleep last night. bullshit.

im getting lots of information on venues for the wedding sent to me so i can go over the details of each and choose a nice place.

i wonder if this dumb blog will end up being a "wedding blog" im pretty positive very very few, if any, people read this so i wont feel like im rambling on and on about shit noone cares about.

i found the most perfect dress. i dont think i'll get it because it's like $600+ but goddamn it's gorgeous and would be incredible with my colors. ahhhhhhhh i wish i had an unlimited budget hahaha.

made a decision on "wedding favors" which rules because they'll be unique and totally fit our personalities. Everyone can leave with one never forgetting us haha.\

its amazing the little details that are involved in planning a wedding. so many things i never would have thought about before but luckily i have a fantastic maid of honor and bridesmaids that are more than willing to help me out im the planning.

i am tired.