SICK

and it sucks.

so christmas was incredible, thats all i have to say about that really. im so in love it's not even funny, and it's insane the way Todd treats me. Never in my life have i felt so important and loved by another person not inside my family. my entire family is shocked to hear me say that i had a great christmas considering how much i talk about hating holidays, especially christmas.

in other news, lots of hockey games lately and there is really nothing good to say about it.

tomorrow stephen and jamie will be in st. louis and we're going to a sharks game. we'll see how that goes.

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND. i will be 26. goddamn.

just updating for the sake of updating since i havent in a while.

no subject at all

im watching some LC from the Hills movie. I dont know why really. I never watched Laguna Beach and I have only recently started watching the Hills. I will say this movie or "look back" rules because it's filling some holes that made no sense to me because i didnt have backhistory.

yeah pointless.

ive realized that there are only 2 things i want, besides a lot of money, in this world -- and the most insane thing about this is that both things ARE attainable. what? they are 2 things that i think about numerous times on a daily basis and it's pretty insane to think that for once what i want in life is not impossible. the question now is when will things things fall in to place?

soon? not so soon? the truth is if i REALLY want them, they will happen...eventually.


i dont know.
i just want to drink sweet tea on the couch with a blanket watching dumb shit on tv.

nada

the blues had one fucked up game tonight. yikes. at least my DP scored something.

i went to bed early tonight, but couldnt sleep so now here i am up and knowing i need to sleep. ARG.

todd and i did like almost 6 hours of christmas shopping on saturday/saturday night. it was insane. i was so tired by the time i got home but at least we got a lot accomplished. then we basically chilled and watched movies all night and went to bed at like 3am.

today was a complete bum day where we did nothing but sleep, wake up and do nothing, then took a nap, woke up, had dinner, and watched the blues loose miserably.

work tomorrow...

i feel all fucking wacky today. i dont know why. i really think i do feel overwhelmed between work and school. im very unhappy with myself this term, and really just cannot wait until its over. so much work and just no time to do it.

oh well.

ive been singing the song Bubbly constantly lately. I think its the cheesiest and dumbest song ever, but i cant help myself. oops.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

such a good fucking album!

it's getting me through this work day today.



also, there are winter weather warnings. UH OH! not excited about driving home in that.

just wanted to say how much i love the bouncing souls...back to work.

this is the perfect entry for this pointless blog.

im at work right now and should be working but instead im jamming to my ipod and forcing myself to write a real update.
Basically life has done a massive turnaround which is fantastic considering I hate this time of year.

im going to cover a few topics in this entry haha
-my promotion at work
-school
-my trip to chicago
-life in general
-random shit.
sooo we'll go in order starting with work.

The Promotion:
basically I went from a year long contractor status to a permanent status.what this means is - i got a $4.00 MORE an hour raise which means im now making a lot more than i've ever made in my entire life, i get a free cell phone[treo 755p yesss] that costs me $0 a month, and a new phone for Todd that will cost us $14.99 a month. Both plans unlimited minutes, data, and mobile to mobile. With this I also get full benefits, my 401k, stock options, a laptop in case i need to work from home, and eligible for quartly bonus'. Overall it's fucking sweet shit and im beyond stoked.

School:
Oh this term as sucked fucking ass. This database class has a ridiculous amount of work every fucking class and I am beyond overwhelmed. Only a few weeks left until finals and then picking up 4 more classes next academic semester. I wont lie, since I got this promotion I have this "do i REALLY need to go to school?" but I know i do and school is partly WHY i got the promotion. Also, if im making what im making now, I'd love to see what i make when i finish. But anyways yeah this term - shit. So ready for it to be over.

The Chicago Trip:
I had a lot of fun spending 4 days in chicago. It was the first time I'd been away from Todd for more than like 12 hours in like 10 months. I got trashed, froze my ass off, sang Vanilla Ice on karaoke, got rounds of shots bought for us at some bar for rapping Warren G's "Regulate", made a bff with some blonde bimbo in said bar, had slumber party like games with the girls i was with in the hotel, almost puked on the el when i was leaving.. you know all the fun shit. Shopping downtown [though I dont think I actually bought anything except starbucks. It was so fantastic spending time with the girls I was with and I realized that i really enjoyed Chicago. Todd and I MUST go up there. I want to go with him and shop/see sites, but he also needs to see his sister. Overall the trip was grand.

Life in General
Is great. Sure there are still the lingering shitty parts, but between work, todd, and school[well, the fact that im on the right track] life has never been better. I am starting to be able to pay off large amounts of money aka debt, and still have money for BLUES GAMES. There's really nothing I can say about Todd that I havent already said at one point or another. He is a godsent for sure. My dad already told me "I want him to be my son-in-law" Todd and my dad, two of the greatest men out there. It's crazy to think of not being with another person for the rest of your life, but with Todd that is exactly how I feel and it's very comforting and exciting. No kids, just us living out any dream we have. I can't wait. And school is going much faster than i thought. Sure it sucks at times and its long and i have no time for anything, but i think thats whats causing it to go so fast. At this rate I'll be done in no time [which means ill be old[er] in no time too. ugh]

The Random:
My birthday is coming up in like 24 days. I'll be 26 which just means 4 years until im 30. WHAT THE FUCK. Mind boggling.The Blues lost on Tuesday which sucked but thats ok they're still doing excellent compared to what they were doing. If they make the playoffs I really dont give a fuck what happens/what I have to do - Todd and i WILL be attending games. And I have a huge goal for season tickets in the near future.
-------
All in all, the downs suck and I hate coming off the highs of life, but i just need to remember that life isnt a sweet ride all the time. Shit gets bad especially when it was bad for so long, and it takes a while to build up to a consistantly good level - but im on the road to it.
Love matters more than almost anything, and i should appreciate and be grateful that I have what i waited a long time to find, and what others may still be looking for.

ok this is one disgustingly sappy entry, so im going to end it.
I'm not trying to be all emo and sappy and loveydovey by anymeans, im still the pissed off, pessimistic person because that's me by nature -- but now all the good i wanted is right in front of me and im able to touch it, so it's nice to reflect on it and say "you know what? life isnt bad"
so eat shit world.

oh you know, just wasting time.

why the fuck cant i update this thing? i have so so soooo much fucking shit to say. but i just cant. a lot has gone on and i may or may up not update with it soon. i just dont have the time or motivation it seems.

so i leave you with this:

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
1. 2011 seems so far away, but i know its not. going up to visit you stresses me out in more ways then i would ever tell anyone.
2. i feel like the worst fucking friend to you, and it sucks because you're one of the very very very few girls ive ever been close to and ever ever thought negatively about you. thats rare to find, yet its like i take it for granted and keep putting off seeing you...and soon its going to be too late.
3. i am the way i am with you because you let me be that way. it's not fair and im sorry.
4. you have shown me what true love is and it blows me away. ive never been so happy [generally] with someone in my life, and every single person around me see's it.
5. i miss you and your [now] husband so much. sometimes i feel like it seems like a superficial missing, but it really is a genuine missing that comes from deep inside my heart.
6. i am so thankful for you as a friend. someone that listens to me, knows the real me and became one of my best friends after hanging out briefly. you live in the same state as me now, but i wonder how long it will be before we hang out again. i hope soon because i care about you a lot.
7. im really not bitter anymore at all because what you did in turn made my life incredible - but i still think you're a terrible & very selfish person and when i think about you i dont really get mad anymore, i get disappointed that our friendship meant nothing to you & that you'd be so disrespectful to one of the very few girlfriends that cared about you.
8. the last conversation i had with you broke my heart. it made me realize that your life really is a fucking mess and all the hatred i have for you for those moments turned into total saddness that you've lost the family you once were so good to.
9. i think we're going out this weekend and though a little nervous im hoping this will begin a semi social life here.
10. i never realized how much you dug me into the ground and truthfully stripped me of so much selfesteem/worth and i am so incredibly thankful that you are out of my life forever.

NINE things about yourself:
1. i often miss out on situations and events that are probably fantastic because of my fear of being judged.
2. im a completely different person than i was 2 years ago today.
3. i work full time and go to school 12 hours a week leaving me with virtually no time.
4. i want to spend the rest of my life with the person im with right now. ive never been so sure of anything in my entire life.
5. when i watch tv, it primarily consists of horrible reality tv shows
6. i am very very close to my sister, father, and stepmom and am very grateful for having that.
7. im a fatass and need to get on real exercise routine and stop having such a fucked up vision of weightloss.
8. i get depressed really easily in certain times, but know that i really shouldnt anymore.
9. im terrible at keeping in touch with people, which im sure comes off like i dont care. which is not true.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. Let me be MYSELF regardless of your beliefs and or morals.
2. Tell me you love me often.
3. Make me feel like you want me.
4. Always be honest with me.
5. Accept my flaws and bad personality traits.
6. Let the female/male roles be shared equally.
7. Make me laugh and let me make you laugh. Let us laugh together all the time.
8. Treat me the same whether we are alone or with others.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. What everyone back home is doing.
2. Needing to feel better about myself.
3. How lucky i am to be with Todd.
4. How i'm going to correct financial mistakes i've made.
5. How much school is left, yet how fast it seems to be going.
6. Meeting people here, or the lack of it.
7. Knowing i need to be a better person.

SIX things you wish you never did:
1. I wish i never spent so long with Pat.
2.I wish i never let myself go the way i did.
3. I wish i never got myself into so much debt.
4. I wish i never doubted myself.
5. I wish i never was unhealthy about things i wanted.
6. I wish i never became friends with you.

FIVE turn offs:
1. Constant fighting
2. Being militant about anything.
3. Being disrespectful
4. Being cocky.
5. Being a shitty person.

FOUR turn ons:
1. Doing things that are out of character [that are good]
2. Nice eyes and smile.
3. Being respected and loved.
4. Whispering in my ears.

THREE smileys that describe your life:
1. :Heart Eyes in love smiley:
2. :Stressed/Depressed smiley:
3. :Hopeful smiley:

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Marry Todd
2. Be able to look at myself and smile.

ONE confession:
1. I'm ready to go.

teeeyeareeedee

blues v. red wings game was fantastic.
i lost my voice from yelling so much and the lovely DP scored 2 goals!

so glad we went. and it ruled sitting so close.

i need a Perron #57 jersey ASAP. GET ON IT BLUES.

after the game todd and i were sitting on the couch and he goes "i love you" and i just laughed because it was so random and said "what? why?" [not really meaning why, it just, again, random] and he goes "because we have so much fun together". it's true too, and i never really thought that 2 people could hang out so much and actually have fun and enjoy each other's company. luckily it works though. enough on that.

chicago next week. still havent got my train ticket, but that is coming in the next few days.

i have not slept more than 4 hours each night this entire week and i feel like it's catching up on me. ughhhhhh and part of that is because of ozzie. without going into detail, i really really do think that parvo fucked him up in the head and triggered the aggressive part of the brain or something. :(

the DP

this is not a sports blog, nor will it ever be but being a fan of hockey and baseball there will be times i talk about them.

and right now for a moment its about my main man David Perron. rumors are they wont be sending him back down to juniors, but i refuse to get my hopes up until the 10th game he plays when i know for sure he's HERE and then i can continue with my craddle robbing crush.

tonight we're sitting 6 rows back from the ice and playing the red wings...

all im going to say is that i hope its not a blow-out. detroit broke thier winning streak so hopefully they're a little un-focused from being pissed off about it.

haha...right.

not stoked

a B?
a fucking B?!
how in the world did i get a B in the easiest class in the fucking world.
might sound stupid but it ruined my day. i was almost positive i had an A in that class and MAYBE a B in the hard class.
other way around.
so discouraging and ugh.
i know a B isn't bad, but it's a total fucking blemish and will now make a 4.0gpa virtually impossible.
akdjf;laksjflkajsflkdjsaf

up late again

i really planned on responding to some emails that i needed to, and sending an email to my sister about a few things but of course i didnt.

time flies by and i never get important shit done. this weekend was a fucking waste for sure. friday night i was in bed by midnight and last night, i dont know what the fuck was going on but i ended up passing out for like 3 hours randomly and then going to bed. i hate when i waste weekends. they are my only time to relax or go and do things.

tuesday is the hockey game. 6 rows back and stoked as fuck.

the chicago trip is coming soon and im getting more and more nervous and uncomfortable about situations that are presenting themselves. i dont know, maybe i should just get over it.

bringing my ipod to work tomorrow and i plan on just working and working. getting in the groove with the ipod and not lurking the fucking board or sitting on gchat all morning. i need to step it up because one girl in the office is on vacation all week, and plus i know im not doing as much as i can and that just makes me feel shitty.

just some random things about todd. i was stressing out in normal fashion while sitting on the couch with my legs on todds lap and he says "its ok we'll get through it" and i say something about just how it sucks being so broke" and he replies by pointing to me and then pointing to him and saying "this is all that matters" and it just made me smile. not that i question why he loves me all the time, because thats just dumb, sometimes i do wonder. so i just asked what it was about me that made him treat me how he does and he just said "you make me happy" when i asked what it was i do that makes him happy his response was "everything. you can be sitting right there, with that blanket doing nothing and you're making me happy" -- its so unlike my last relationship. spending 4 years with someone who makes you cry day in and day out to being with someone who just SHOWS their unconditional love is just foreign to me. this was more of a mental note for myself so i never forget it. i have a little memory file for these types of things and inside that is the time he sang me a 30 minute get up kids set using the vacuum as a microphone. little things like are what make me feel so good.

i made an excel budget tonight and boy oh boy was it a sad sight. im hoping that pretty soon things will get better. much better.

i miss my dad a lot. i cant wait to see him in march when he walks for his Ph.D graduation. im so fucking proud of him and i hope that i can do something really nice for him.

its 130am and i have to be up in 4.5 hours.
fuck my life.


goodnight.

oh yeah

did i mention that im listening to elton john's 2 disk greatest hits?

it fucking rules.

blah

fucking exhausted.

ive decided that public blogging sucks. its my own paranoia im sure, but writing about life in a public setting makes it so that i put very little feeling and emotion into my writing, which is very unlike me. im so used to writing about whats going on, and how i feel about things like life, relationship, missing my family and friends back home... but i feel like in a public blog those things just dont belong. noone wants to read some depressing bullshit that they couldnt care less about.

whatever.
im tired and im cranky and when i think too much about shit thats going on in my life and i look at my peers and see that they are on a different level i just get even more cranky. it's my own fault, but it is what it is.

as alienated as i feel from friends and just people in general, i will say that i miss my friends back home. i miss a few of them at least. one thing i miss the most is living with eric and steve. we had our hard times and disagreements, but thinking back to having a ton of people over around the table playing childish drinking games and acting immature makes me realize just how much fun it really was. how nice it felt to have friends like that.

especially eric. i miss eric a lot. i havent kept in touch with many people from back home which sucks, but i need to make sure i never REALLY lose touch with him. so many awesome nights over a few years sitting at the bar together drinking and me shit talking Pat when he was an asshole, or sitting at Kotobuki eating veggie sushi and talking about everything going on with us. He is one person that i really feel understands me and understands the reasons i feel so alienated from people. i think he "gets" me. not that others dont, but eric was definitely one of my best best friends and eventually a roommate. definitely miss him a lot.

dont get me wrong, i love st. louis and i love being here with todd because there's no doubt in my mind that i want to spend the rest of my life with him. it sounds so cliche and naive but he brings me a type of happiness that no other boyfriend has. he loves me for me and doesnt give a shit about the petty and insignificant things in life. his calm and collected fits perfectly with my high strung, over analytical, overstressed and over emotional personality haha. but i miss my family and my long time friends.

haha this is a reserved version of my normal writing, but when i get tired that's kind of how it goes.

i guess on that note its time to sleep. Ozzie is asleep at my feet and my eyes are almost as heavy as my heart.

goddamn

its late again, but tonight i have an excuse. i just got home from class, and i swear to fucking god this term is going to be much harder than last term. this database class has a ridiculous amount of work to do each class period. im ahead right now which i did intentionally since i wont be in class on tuesday.

i am so goddamn tired it's not even funny but im sitting here finishing up an assignment, so i figured i'd throw an update in here.

so im apparently going to chicago over thanksgiving break. todd is off work the wednesday night before thanksgiving so that will be the night we do the cooking and have our thanksgiving. then as it's currently planned i'll be taking an amtrak to chicago thursday and coming home on sunday. i dont now how i feel about the whole thing, but we'll see. it'll be a group of about 5 girls, some long time friends and a couple ive never met, and one who ive never even talked to. im really NOT looking forward to that because i just cant stand meeting people. it will be interesting for sure if i actually go and dont back out.

eh whatever.
_____________


final thought for tonight:
man i do not handle stress well at all.
ughhhhhhhhh

oh what the hell, a few words before i attempt to sleep.

its after fucking midnight and i NEED to be in bed. i dont know why i do this shit night after night. staying up till late knowing i have to be up early as fuck.

its even worse on monday & wednesday nights because it'll be late and i'll stare at the clock knowing that i have to be up in a few hours to face a tuesday or thursday of 8 hours of work followed by 6 hours of school.

yet, i continue to stay up and then feel like shit on the long days.

one day i'll get responsible, until then i will suffer the consequences of lack of sleep.

its been really cold lately as well. this will be my first real winter since i moved away from Colorado. i used to talk about how i wasnt a real floridian, but the fact that im feeling like a goddamn icicle when the weather is only in the 30's just proves to me that i did infact become a floridian and get used to the warm weather. we havent turned the heat on yet because we're cheap and poor, but im starting to think i'll have to soon--but i just want to see one month of an electric bill with no heat or a/c. why? no clue.

i really feel stupid actually writing about my life and not my feelings.
this really will be a pointless blog.

enjoy!

FIRST

maybe tomorrow i'll start this thing.

i'm so used to a private or semi-private blog that i'm thinking i'll have a hard time writing in this.

i guess we'll see!