fucking exhausted.

ive decided that public blogging sucks. its my own paranoia im sure, but writing about life in a public setting makes it so that i put very little feeling and emotion into my writing, which is very unlike me. im so used to writing about whats going on, and how i feel about things like life, relationship, missing my family and friends back home... but i feel like in a public blog those things just dont belong. noone wants to read some depressing bullshit that they couldnt care less about.

im tired and im cranky and when i think too much about shit thats going on in my life and i look at my peers and see that they are on a different level i just get even more cranky. it's my own fault, but it is what it is.

as alienated as i feel from friends and just people in general, i will say that i miss my friends back home. i miss a few of them at least. one thing i miss the most is living with eric and steve. we had our hard times and disagreements, but thinking back to having a ton of people over around the table playing childish drinking games and acting immature makes me realize just how much fun it really was. how nice it felt to have friends like that.

especially eric. i miss eric a lot. i havent kept in touch with many people from back home which sucks, but i need to make sure i never REALLY lose touch with him. so many awesome nights over a few years sitting at the bar together drinking and me shit talking Pat when he was an asshole, or sitting at Kotobuki eating veggie sushi and talking about everything going on with us. He is one person that i really feel understands me and understands the reasons i feel so alienated from people. i think he "gets" me. not that others dont, but eric was definitely one of my best best friends and eventually a roommate. definitely miss him a lot.

dont get me wrong, i love st. louis and i love being here with todd because there's no doubt in my mind that i want to spend the rest of my life with him. it sounds so cliche and naive but he brings me a type of happiness that no other boyfriend has. he loves me for me and doesnt give a shit about the petty and insignificant things in life. his calm and collected fits perfectly with my high strung, over analytical, overstressed and over emotional personality haha. but i miss my family and my long time friends.

haha this is a reserved version of my normal writing, but when i get tired that's kind of how it goes.

i guess on that note its time to sleep. Ozzie is asleep at my feet and my eyes are almost as heavy as my heart.

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