oh you know, just wasting time.

why the fuck cant i update this thing? i have so so soooo much fucking shit to say. but i just cant. a lot has gone on and i may or may up not update with it soon. i just dont have the time or motivation it seems.

so i leave you with this:

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
1. 2011 seems so far away, but i know its not. going up to visit you stresses me out in more ways then i would ever tell anyone.
2. i feel like the worst fucking friend to you, and it sucks because you're one of the very very very few girls ive ever been close to and ever ever thought negatively about you. thats rare to find, yet its like i take it for granted and keep putting off seeing you...and soon its going to be too late.
3. i am the way i am with you because you let me be that way. it's not fair and im sorry.
4. you have shown me what true love is and it blows me away. ive never been so happy [generally] with someone in my life, and every single person around me see's it.
5. i miss you and your [now] husband so much. sometimes i feel like it seems like a superficial missing, but it really is a genuine missing that comes from deep inside my heart.
6. i am so thankful for you as a friend. someone that listens to me, knows the real me and became one of my best friends after hanging out briefly. you live in the same state as me now, but i wonder how long it will be before we hang out again. i hope soon because i care about you a lot.
7. im really not bitter anymore at all because what you did in turn made my life incredible - but i still think you're a terrible & very selfish person and when i think about you i dont really get mad anymore, i get disappointed that our friendship meant nothing to you & that you'd be so disrespectful to one of the very few girlfriends that cared about you.
8. the last conversation i had with you broke my heart. it made me realize that your life really is a fucking mess and all the hatred i have for you for those moments turned into total saddness that you've lost the family you once were so good to.
9. i think we're going out this weekend and though a little nervous im hoping this will begin a semi social life here.
10. i never realized how much you dug me into the ground and truthfully stripped me of so much selfesteem/worth and i am so incredibly thankful that you are out of my life forever.

NINE things about yourself:
1. i often miss out on situations and events that are probably fantastic because of my fear of being judged.
2. im a completely different person than i was 2 years ago today.
3. i work full time and go to school 12 hours a week leaving me with virtually no time.
4. i want to spend the rest of my life with the person im with right now. ive never been so sure of anything in my entire life.
5. when i watch tv, it primarily consists of horrible reality tv shows
6. i am very very close to my sister, father, and stepmom and am very grateful for having that.
7. im a fatass and need to get on real exercise routine and stop having such a fucked up vision of weightloss.
8. i get depressed really easily in certain times, but know that i really shouldnt anymore.
9. im terrible at keeping in touch with people, which im sure comes off like i dont care. which is not true.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. Let me be MYSELF regardless of your beliefs and or morals.
2. Tell me you love me often.
3. Make me feel like you want me.
4. Always be honest with me.
5. Accept my flaws and bad personality traits.
6. Let the female/male roles be shared equally.
7. Make me laugh and let me make you laugh. Let us laugh together all the time.
8. Treat me the same whether we are alone or with others.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. What everyone back home is doing.
2. Needing to feel better about myself.
3. How lucky i am to be with Todd.
4. How i'm going to correct financial mistakes i've made.
5. How much school is left, yet how fast it seems to be going.
6. Meeting people here, or the lack of it.
7. Knowing i need to be a better person.

SIX things you wish you never did:
1. I wish i never spent so long with Pat.
2.I wish i never let myself go the way i did.
3. I wish i never got myself into so much debt.
4. I wish i never doubted myself.
5. I wish i never was unhealthy about things i wanted.
6. I wish i never became friends with you.

FIVE turn offs:
1. Constant fighting
2. Being militant about anything.
3. Being disrespectful
4. Being cocky.
5. Being a shitty person.

FOUR turn ons:
1. Doing things that are out of character [that are good]
2. Nice eyes and smile.
3. Being respected and loved.
4. Whispering in my ears.

THREE smileys that describe your life:
1. :Heart Eyes in love smiley:
2. :Stressed/Depressed smiley:
3. :Hopeful smiley:

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Marry Todd
2. Be able to look at myself and smile.

ONE confession:
1. I'm ready to go.

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