teeeyeareeedee

blues v. red wings game was fantastic.
i lost my voice from yelling so much and the lovely DP scored 2 goals!

so glad we went. and it ruled sitting so close.

i need a Perron #57 jersey ASAP. GET ON IT BLUES.

after the game todd and i were sitting on the couch and he goes "i love you" and i just laughed because it was so random and said "what? why?" [not really meaning why, it just, again, random] and he goes "because we have so much fun together". it's true too, and i never really thought that 2 people could hang out so much and actually have fun and enjoy each other's company. luckily it works though. enough on that.

chicago next week. still havent got my train ticket, but that is coming in the next few days.

i have not slept more than 4 hours each night this entire week and i feel like it's catching up on me. ughhhhhh and part of that is because of ozzie. without going into detail, i really really do think that parvo fucked him up in the head and triggered the aggressive part of the brain or something. :(

the DP

this is not a sports blog, nor will it ever be but being a fan of hockey and baseball there will be times i talk about them.

and right now for a moment its about my main man David Perron. rumors are they wont be sending him back down to juniors, but i refuse to get my hopes up until the 10th game he plays when i know for sure he's HERE and then i can continue with my craddle robbing crush.

tonight we're sitting 6 rows back from the ice and playing the red wings...

all im going to say is that i hope its not a blow-out. detroit broke thier winning streak so hopefully they're a little un-focused from being pissed off about it.

haha...right.

not stoked

a B?
a fucking B?!
how in the world did i get a B in the easiest class in the fucking world.
might sound stupid but it ruined my day. i was almost positive i had an A in that class and MAYBE a B in the hard class.
other way around.
so discouraging and ugh.
i know a B isn't bad, but it's a total fucking blemish and will now make a 4.0gpa virtually impossible.
akdjf;laksjflkajsflkdjsaf

up late again

i really planned on responding to some emails that i needed to, and sending an email to my sister about a few things but of course i didnt.

time flies by and i never get important shit done. this weekend was a fucking waste for sure. friday night i was in bed by midnight and last night, i dont know what the fuck was going on but i ended up passing out for like 3 hours randomly and then going to bed. i hate when i waste weekends. they are my only time to relax or go and do things.

tuesday is the hockey game. 6 rows back and stoked as fuck.

the chicago trip is coming soon and im getting more and more nervous and uncomfortable about situations that are presenting themselves. i dont know, maybe i should just get over it.

bringing my ipod to work tomorrow and i plan on just working and working. getting in the groove with the ipod and not lurking the fucking board or sitting on gchat all morning. i need to step it up because one girl in the office is on vacation all week, and plus i know im not doing as much as i can and that just makes me feel shitty.

just some random things about todd. i was stressing out in normal fashion while sitting on the couch with my legs on todds lap and he says "its ok we'll get through it" and i say something about just how it sucks being so broke" and he replies by pointing to me and then pointing to him and saying "this is all that matters" and it just made me smile. not that i question why he loves me all the time, because thats just dumb, sometimes i do wonder. so i just asked what it was about me that made him treat me how he does and he just said "you make me happy" when i asked what it was i do that makes him happy his response was "everything. you can be sitting right there, with that blanket doing nothing and you're making me happy" -- its so unlike my last relationship. spending 4 years with someone who makes you cry day in and day out to being with someone who just SHOWS their unconditional love is just foreign to me. this was more of a mental note for myself so i never forget it. i have a little memory file for these types of things and inside that is the time he sang me a 30 minute get up kids set using the vacuum as a microphone. little things like are what make me feel so good.

i made an excel budget tonight and boy oh boy was it a sad sight. im hoping that pretty soon things will get better. much better.

i miss my dad a lot. i cant wait to see him in march when he walks for his Ph.D graduation. im so fucking proud of him and i hope that i can do something really nice for him.

its 130am and i have to be up in 4.5 hours.
fuck my life.


goodnight.

oh yeah

did i mention that im listening to elton john's 2 disk greatest hits?

it fucking rules.

blah

fucking exhausted.

ive decided that public blogging sucks. its my own paranoia im sure, but writing about life in a public setting makes it so that i put very little feeling and emotion into my writing, which is very unlike me. im so used to writing about whats going on, and how i feel about things like life, relationship, missing my family and friends back home... but i feel like in a public blog those things just dont belong. noone wants to read some depressing bullshit that they couldnt care less about.

whatever.
im tired and im cranky and when i think too much about shit thats going on in my life and i look at my peers and see that they are on a different level i just get even more cranky. it's my own fault, but it is what it is.

as alienated as i feel from friends and just people in general, i will say that i miss my friends back home. i miss a few of them at least. one thing i miss the most is living with eric and steve. we had our hard times and disagreements, but thinking back to having a ton of people over around the table playing childish drinking games and acting immature makes me realize just how much fun it really was. how nice it felt to have friends like that.

especially eric. i miss eric a lot. i havent kept in touch with many people from back home which sucks, but i need to make sure i never REALLY lose touch with him. so many awesome nights over a few years sitting at the bar together drinking and me shit talking Pat when he was an asshole, or sitting at Kotobuki eating veggie sushi and talking about everything going on with us. He is one person that i really feel understands me and understands the reasons i feel so alienated from people. i think he "gets" me. not that others dont, but eric was definitely one of my best best friends and eventually a roommate. definitely miss him a lot.

dont get me wrong, i love st. louis and i love being here with todd because there's no doubt in my mind that i want to spend the rest of my life with him. it sounds so cliche and naive but he brings me a type of happiness that no other boyfriend has. he loves me for me and doesnt give a shit about the petty and insignificant things in life. his calm and collected fits perfectly with my high strung, over analytical, overstressed and over emotional personality haha. but i miss my family and my long time friends.

haha this is a reserved version of my normal writing, but when i get tired that's kind of how it goes.

i guess on that note its time to sleep. Ozzie is asleep at my feet and my eyes are almost as heavy as my heart.

goddamn

its late again, but tonight i have an excuse. i just got home from class, and i swear to fucking god this term is going to be much harder than last term. this database class has a ridiculous amount of work to do each class period. im ahead right now which i did intentionally since i wont be in class on tuesday.

i am so goddamn tired it's not even funny but im sitting here finishing up an assignment, so i figured i'd throw an update in here.

so im apparently going to chicago over thanksgiving break. todd is off work the wednesday night before thanksgiving so that will be the night we do the cooking and have our thanksgiving. then as it's currently planned i'll be taking an amtrak to chicago thursday and coming home on sunday. i dont now how i feel about the whole thing, but we'll see. it'll be a group of about 5 girls, some long time friends and a couple ive never met, and one who ive never even talked to. im really NOT looking forward to that because i just cant stand meeting people. it will be interesting for sure if i actually go and dont back out.

eh whatever.
_____________


final thought for tonight:
man i do not handle stress well at all.
ughhhhhhhhh

oh what the hell, a few words before i attempt to sleep.

its after fucking midnight and i NEED to be in bed. i dont know why i do this shit night after night. staying up till late knowing i have to be up early as fuck.

its even worse on monday & wednesday nights because it'll be late and i'll stare at the clock knowing that i have to be up in a few hours to face a tuesday or thursday of 8 hours of work followed by 6 hours of school.

yet, i continue to stay up and then feel like shit on the long days.

one day i'll get responsible, until then i will suffer the consequences of lack of sleep.

its been really cold lately as well. this will be my first real winter since i moved away from Colorado. i used to talk about how i wasnt a real floridian, but the fact that im feeling like a goddamn icicle when the weather is only in the 30's just proves to me that i did infact become a floridian and get used to the warm weather. we havent turned the heat on yet because we're cheap and poor, but im starting to think i'll have to soon--but i just want to see one month of an electric bill with no heat or a/c. why? no clue.

i really feel stupid actually writing about my life and not my feelings.
this really will be a pointless blog.

enjoy!

FIRST

maybe tomorrow i'll start this thing.

i'm so used to a private or semi-private blog that i'm thinking i'll have a hard time writing in this.

i guess we'll see!