havent said much lately

todd and i finally moved into our new place. im not sure if i wrote about it or not yet. oh well.

i hate not being in the city but the place isnt so bad i guess. the hot water kind of sucks, but the apartment is cozy enough and no more paying for parking and dealing with stupid elevators. i do miss the public transit though.

having some concern/confusion with the wedding. there is a chance that it will no longer be in florida and in fact be here in st. louis. i know this will change a lot of things because a very large majority of my friends will not be able to attend. i havent made a decision on it yet though so i guess we'll see.

this is double posted because i wrote it originally for something else but figured i'd throw it in here too since im trying to transition to a public blog thing [riiight] its kind of long and kind of ranty but whatever:

this is a rant about having children. first of all let me just say that i have more friends with kids than i do without kids and although this shouldnt be offensive whatsoever i have a feeling at least someone with kids will be offended so - please dont be offended and if you are.... come on, think about that for a minute.

with that said...

i never ever want kids. ever. and it really fucking irritates me when people act as though something is wrong with ME because i dont have that motherly instinct or that my biological clock is not ticking. there is nothing wrong with me for not having the desire to go through pregnancy, or labor, or spend my time and money on a child. I want Todd and I to live life for us. We both fully agree on this, which is so refreshing and really comforting as well. He wants kids as much as I do - which is a DO NOT EVER WANT. When people find this out so often i hear "never?? really??" or "you'll change your mind" or even "you havent lived until you've experienced your own child" Well in that case I will never live and I am completely fine with that.

I have nothing against kids, and i think they're fucking adorable. That is until they start screaming, or crying or throwing a tantrum. More and more lately when I'm in public and I hear a kid start screaming or crying at their mother or father, it annoys me more than anything and it makes me think to myself "i NEVER want kids". Call me selfish or a terrible person but I want to be able to go where i want, when i want and not have to worry about having a babysitter or if the place is kid friendly. I want to spend my money on a vacation for Todd and I to relax or have fun - not on diapers and formula.

I do think childbirth is a beautiful thing and something really great, but not for me. some friends and i think even my sister sometimes finds it so just bizarre that i dont feel like being a mom or even think i might want it. But im not odd, how i feel is not bizarre. Not everyone is meant to be a parent and luckily Todd and i found each other and agree that neither of us was ever meant to have a kid.

I think it just really pisses me off when people act as though I will never have a fulfilled life because I dont want a child. How dare someone tell me that i'll never experience "real love" because i wont ever have a mother-child bond. Sure I'll never experience THAT kind of love, but as i've stated many times I DO NOT WANT THAT KIND OF LOVE.

This is just a rant because it annoys me to no end when people act like something is wrong with me or that im a bad person because I dont want kids. There is nothing wrong with me and I am not a bad person at all - in fact i think im a better person for not falling into some mindset where i have a kid because i feel like i have to as woman or some shit. People that have kids because they want to, or because it happens but they're excited - that's fantastic and I am happy for them, but people that have kids when they dont really want to need to reevaluate themselves. How can you be a good mother or father if you have a kid when you dont want them?

I always hear that it changes once the baby is born and thats fine. But my lack of desire to ever ever ever be a mother or have to answer to a child will prevent me from seeing if my feelings change.

I've been told on numerous occasions that i cant have kids anyway, but who knows if that's truly the case, and I dont want a miracle.

This is not a shit talking rant to parents whatsoever because like i said i have more friends with kids than i do without - but i refuse to feel "different" because i hate the thought of my own children.

its late and im tired.
its time to relax and watch a movie and fall asleep i think.

todd is off work tomorrow which is really nice. i always love his day off work when it's on a weekend.